"Well, DUH!" you may say, seeing that I just posted some incredible news. However, this has been quite the roller coaster ride so far, and excitement had not yet been one of the emotions I was experiencing. Anticipation, anxiety, hope, anxiety, overwhelmed, anxiety, what was I thinking??, anxiety...you get the point (even though I am totally sure that was not correctly punctuated...I was a math major). The only thing I can relate this experience to is how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant with our first child, Zachary. I wanted to be excited...I knew I should be excited...felt guilty for NOT being excited...but I wasn't. Not that I didn't want to be pregnant, because I did! But then there were the thoughts like "what if I miscarry?" or "What if something is wrong with him?" or "What if I can't handle this and I am not a good mom?" and a million other "what ifs" that ran through my mind. It has been the same this time with only slight variations. "What if the agency doesn't like my answers for the 20 page questionnaire?" "What if China doesn't grant our PA (Preliminary Approval)?" And again, "What if I can't handle this and I am not a good mom?" And the other million "what ifs."
But along with our news of PA that came on Tuesday, came relief! And tagging along right behind was EXCITEMENT! To be honest, many of those "what ifs" continue to run through my head on a pretty regular basis. I am sure some of them have worn quite a path by now! But now every time they come, I just think about this...
A little boy thousands of miles away who has never known a mother's love, has never wrestled with his daddy, or played in the yard sprinklers on hot days with his brothers and sister. And I am EXCITED to see the story that God is writing for this little boy! (And, yes, he still lacks an English name, but we are working on that!)
